Yes, you got it right
,if I decide to do something for someone it is because I have seen that this will be helpful for the person , thus making their life easier , and for me this is all the motivation I need .
Ah okay, same with me
If someone came to me and explained what they wanted to me to do , I will most likely do it - if it is sincere and rational . But when someone tries manipulation and control , this makes me really angry as I feel that the person is rejecting my giving , and are trying stealing what they want from me instead .
Maybe I should clarify what I mean by "manipulation" or maybe we can use another term that fits better, maybe "influence". When I speak about manipulation I don't connect it with anything negative. I don't mean the kind of manipulation where someone tries to climb into your subconsciousness, gets behind the wheel and begins to control your actions or thoughts.
When I speak about manipulation I mean that someone tries to make me do something but still I decide if I'll do it or not. I think in normal everyday life interaction it is not possible to really control someone. All you can do is make it more likely that someone will act as you want.
I try to be aware of myself and my environment. I try to be aware the fact that we all are influencing each other and I try to find out what works and what not. And because I'm aware of this I can decide when I want others to be successful with a behavior, that means that they get me to do what they want and when I rather reject it because they treat me as I don't like it. I don't believe that I am aware who manipulates me in which way, and when I do something I only do because I like it and when it is something I do because others want me to do it. But when I don't feel comfortable with a situation then I start thinking about it and decide knowingly how I will respond. In doing so, I want to make it more likely that one will treat me more as I like it the next time.
There is a big spectrum of ways to influence someone that can cause negative emotions for example negative reinforcement, punishment, threat or force. Someone can be successful with using these means one time but after I made this experience I will probably avoid contact. In any case I won't like to do something for someone who uses those means. Therefore, I decided that I want to use exclusively means, that influence others, that let them feel good. I think this makes it more likely that they will like to interact with me in the long run.
So, I believe that we all influence each other and I believe that there are negative means (everything that causes a negative emotions) and positive means (everything that causes positive emotions). I dare to say that everyone utilises these means. Now we can decide to use them consciously or unconsciously.
What I don't like is when someone uses them conscious while having the goal to "just get the work done" and does not care wether this arouses negative emotions. For example, when I sat behind the teachers in the bus when we were on a school trip and they talked about how they wanted to make sure that everyone will be at the bus station on time the next day (after everyone made a big party, drank too much and slept too short
) and one teacher said that they will built a "threatscenery". And then all the other teachers praised him for his great idea
. I had to struggle with taking them seriously and don't behave unfriendly for the whole class trip
I have to admit that only one time within five days some boys were unpunctual. But I can't believe that this was because of the "threatscenery" but rather because we all were old enough to know on our own that it is annoying when a group of seventy people has to wait for one person.
I began to concsiously use this means when I was rather young and it helped me with "just getting the work done". No one else but me and my father could make my youngest sister come to the table to eat. She has a very strong character and always tried to do only what she wanted (what, by now, I think is great). At this time it was easiest to use the means that arouse negative feelings because I knew them from horse training.
By now it is not enough for me to get the work done. Additionally, I want everybody involved to feel good while doing the work and interacting with me.
So, I have no problem with being manipulated as long as someone hasn't only the goal to get the work done but to arouse positive feelings in me as well.
I would like to write much more, you really make me think Ali, but I have to get ready to pick Jana up at the bus
. And if anyone has to say something, please keep me thinking!