I wasn t sure, if I should write this, but now I decided to. I start to write just about the feelings about my own diary, but maybe some of you, who also write their own diaries (more or less) regularly, feel the same or maybe you do not...Anyway, I would appreciate, to exchange with you, so maybe I can find a new point of view or some inspiration.
I love my diary, it helped me over the hard times (and so did you) in my former stable, when many people were trying to tell me, that I am insane. This forum was a habour to me and I found strength and inspiration. I could not even speak with my friends about that stuff, because they didn t understand me. So I wrote here and that was such a relieve. Now I feel much more secure (due to you and this froum) plus I found a wonderful stable, where I can do whatever I like to do, with my horse....With the result, that I feel like I don t really need the diary for myself, like I did before. Actually, I am searching for it s meaning right now.
Well, of course, I also realized, that there is no regular responce in the diary and this gives me some mixed feelings. Part of me doesn t need resonance, but part of me does feel strange about that. Thats why I started to ask myself, whether I write for myself or for some resonance and if so, what kind of resonance that should be.
I can t really tell by now. If I write something into my diary, I am often very happy and inspired about my conclusions or discoveries. If noone shares or cares or whatever, this should actually be fine to me. But still it feels a bit strange, because I write about things, that are so important to me. But then again, I am wondering, why I am writing that then in an worldwideweb-platform and not just at home for myself? Do I want to distinguish myself? Do I just want to have a diary for myself (and if so, why don t I do it at home then?)? Do I want to spread out my happiness about all this and inspire others? Do I want to exchange inspiration or share insights? And if so, do I want to share insights without having a clue, what other people think about my entrances? Do they think "ah, crazy, naive Dani again..."or "childish conclusions" or do they think "boring, I know that..." or "interesting, I could try this as well"... Well, actually, I don t want to know, if readers find me crazy, or naive or great or so on. I guess I rather want an exchange of experiences. I know, we had beautifull exchanges before and I even feel a kind of cyber friendship to you guys. But this happens every now and then, after sides of monologues.
Maybe, I should be more selfassure, and then I wouldn t have to wonder about all this. ...
And then I also have to admit, that I also don t write too much into other peoples diaries. Mainly, because I have no internet at home. I either have to write from my mobile (which is rather sticky) or at work, where I have to enter a prepared document or hurry up. For example Jaz' beautful diary with all those pictures is too much for my mobile, so it hardly ever opens. I stopped to open it, when I am not at a computer, and when I am, I have to be very fast and precise. So I have a look and leave. Well and also, I did read in the "where are all the members gone" thread, that it is not about social commentaries, like "wow" and "ohhh shit" and so on. And this is also not what I am missing and a thing, I like about this place...and so I also mainly stopped commenting, if I haven t got anything productive to say. Still I read everything in here and love your thoughts and styles. Sometimes, I think about an answere, but then I lack the energy or time for realisation...
Though knowing about all this, I am still missing something. Maybe I can describe it like this: I write something and it disappears into a black whole. I know, that people read it, but I don t know their thoughts about it. And then again, I don t want them to tell me, that they think, I am crazy or other judgements... But I do want to know, if they have other or the same conclusions or experiences. Writing this right now, I realize, that I do love, when little discussions arise. I find this very inspiring, of course also if the discussion wanders away from Zermi and me. I love it, when people share ideas and the ideas grow into all possible directions.
Another point, why I am critical about internet diaries, these days is: They often become more vivid and interactive, if the author has got a problem or something bad or dramatic happened. This is principally not a bad thing and also very natural social reaction, because people want to help and give comfort. But this might mislead the author to concentrate on problems instead on things that work great, just to get some attention, or to write less regularly, when things go well, which is a pity. I think, I can observe this in other forums sometimes. The first is not, what I do and I also don t see this tendency in our forum, but it makes me wonder about the concept of a public diary. The latter (to write less, if things go well) might have happened a bit in my diary...
But on the other hand the urge of the people to write more, when one feels bad, is really helping. For example, I remember that, reading your comments, when I was in the "hot" trailertrainingphase and had a hell lot of fear of the day of moving, each one of your entries really gave me energy.
I don t write all this, because I am angry or sad or disappointed, nothing like that. I am asking myself, what it is, that makes me feel strange. I also don t want, that everybody does comment my entries now or just because of this post now, if he or she in fact has nothing to write, or if people write "wow" or "oh no" with some smilies and stuff. I articulate this, because I want to know, how you yourself feel about your diaries or your presence here and maybe I can learn something and shift my view or find an answere for myself.
About the forum in general:
I love this forum and I think, it fell a bit asleep. And that might also be another reason, why I start to miss exchanges. In other forums, there are more active users and so things develope more vividly. Every now and then a discussions arise and fall asleep again, somehow more vivid. But I don t want another forum, this forum is MY mental home. This forum represents for me a paradigm shift and I would love it to not just be a quiescent pool of ideas and knowledge (which is already great), but a lively space for horse people like us.
My impression is, that the less happens here, the less happens... and so on. Like it is triggering itself downwards in a spiral. But maybe it is just my own forum-unexperienced fear. I am not a very active member in other forums.
I know, it is about having no time for many of us (me included). But is there a way to avoid standstill? Or do you even perceive it different?
I hope, this post wasn t too chaotic and I would love to read your thoughts.