The Art of Natural Dressage

Is there anyone here who has taken care of an elderly person, a parent or grandparent or someone like that who could not take care of himself anymore?

I am asking this because it might be that I will get into that situation not too long from now: someone that I love very much maybe won't be able to live alone anymore soon, she absolutely does not want to go to a nursing home (and I don't want to let her go there either) and her family definitely won't take care of her. She is 87 now and bodily as well as mentally fit like a young weasel, but I don't know how long this will last.

With my job I am in the very lucky situation that I could work at home most of the time if it was necessary and I could even take her to the office with me - there is plenty of room and she could have her own place there with a couch and some books and a computer or whatever she likes. But if nothing of this worked out for some reason, I would be willing to quit my job if it became necessary, although I don't think it will.

I know it will be hard, but I see it as my task to do that and actually I am looking forward to it.

Any experiences that you can share? Things I should think about? Advice?

Both my parents became frail and unable to properly care for themselves. In the beginning my sister and I took turns to be there on weekends and look after them, even though she was about 2 hours away by car and I had to fly right across the country to be there. So I "lived" with them one week a month and she was there on the weekends in-between. After my Dad died my Mom went and lived with her. I still went regularly to let my sister have some time for herself. When my Mom got really ill we hired a home-nurse to help while my sister was at work.

What was difficult for me was watching these vital, vibrant people turn into sick people who just could not manage to even walk around the garden some days. To see them not able to stand up from a chair without help, to be unable to get into or out of the bath alone. I hurt inside to watch them struggle.

Also, their frustration of getting physically weaker made then grumpy. Their determination to manage without help was frustrating for me also, because many times they would get hurt or fall down because they did not WANT help - they were proud of doing things alone like they always had.

There were some things we did to try and help with that. For example, my Mom was knitting a jacket for a baby but she was almost blind so it wasn't turning out well. We would unpick a lot of her work after she went to bed and do it over and correct it before she woke up, so that she had something to feel proud of accomplishing.

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Glen Grobler

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. Anon

Romy,
I have closely observed some very good friends who were in this situation. The one thing that I learned is that you have to have someone as a backup, either home-health nurse on call or another family member. No matter how much you love this person and feel responsible for them you will need time away from them regularly (daily, weekly, on vacation), mentally, physically, during illness etc. or you can wear yourself down to the point where you are of no help to them or to yourself. People who are willing to be caregivers have my admiration, I don't know if I could do it. But they often forget about their own needs, so please plan to take really good care of yourself.
Birgit

Thank you both so much!!



Thanks, but I really don't feel like I deserve admiration. That's what I have been discussing with other people a lot lately who said that it was totally out of this world to take someone in who was not even family, that I must have very high ideals, that I was completely selfless and so on. I don't feel like that. For me it is simply no question. It is a task that needs to be done, so I will do it. And my motives are egoistic allover: if I would not do it, I would violate some of my deepest believes. Or seen from the positive side: I received so much love in my life, so much happiness and so much luck. If I can give back at least a portion of that, I will be very happy to do so.



This is such a good point and I have thought about it a lot, but not come out with a final conclusion yet... how to give her something to do so that she won't feel useless and can be proud of herself? When she was younger she had been a secretary, so she could surely help out with my work, but she is too smart to be happy with only doing the "stupid" things (the effect would be the reverse, she would be terribly bored and dissatisfied) and she does not speak English, which limits the tasks that she will be able to do a lot. And it is not really what she is passionate about.

She could work in the household (this is what I am very bad at and so she could really be a huge support), but of course this is only possible as long as she is physically fit enough - and probably it is not very fulfilling either.

She loves animals. If she will move in with me, I will get a cat for her as they are her absolute favourites, but I am thinking about a task around animals that could create meaning in her life.

She is my little sunshine, so she is never useless, even when she can't do any useful work. But the task of "just be yourself so that Romy is happy" probably won't be enough for her.

Maybe I am thinking too much, maybe she will stay fit until she dies and never need my care (except from the visits once or twice a week that I am doing now). But IF the situation will come, I want to be prepared as much as possibe.

If they breed guide-dogs or service-dogs near you, they are always looking for people to "have them at home" for the first year or so. Maybe she can volunteer at a nearby charity? What interests her?

I hear you about giving something back. That is largely why we chose to care for our parents at home.

Just be aware that is can be very difficult depending on what is actually going on. My Dad became an invalid who was stuck in his bed or chair for most of the time and that created a LOT of frustration for him which made him grumpy and rather nasty to everyone around him. My Mom had Parkinson's so she became progressively weaker as time went by, and trying to take of my Dad took a lot out of her.

It sounds like your friend is strong and healthy, though, so hopefully you won't have as many problems. It certainly helps if there can be some responsibilities, both to fill the time and to give a sense of purpose.

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Glen Grobler



Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. Anon

I think you are right, when we know in our heart that something is the right thing to do, especially knowing we have received so much love, than not doing it will not make us happy, or to say it positively, there is nothing that can be more fulfilling than to give back, even when it's hard. Then all that needs to be done is to find the right way to do the right thing. So I guess I'll admire you for your wisdom rather than for your selflessness.
On a practical note, I have a suggestion that came to my mind when Glen mentioned training service animals. I've trained a number of service animals and have always found that the greatest benefit that people receive from them, regardless of disability, is the emotional health benefit that comes from caring for them and receiving affection, regardless of what service tasks the animal may perform. This only works for people who generally like animals, of course.
With cats I have discovered something only in the last year. In spite of having looked over hundreds of cats that needed rescued to save their lives in animal shelter that can only give them 1-3 days before euthanasia, specifically trying to find cats and kittens that showed great potential as service/animal assisted therapy cats I found very few that were "unusually good" in relating with people while also having very little fear of new situations in public. When we took in a kitten last year that had been hand-raised by kids in our neighborhood since they found him as a 3-week-old feral kitten at our park I realized that with cats handraising makes a huge difference, and in this case a positive one. This cat knows no fear, is extremely affectionate, very gentle with his claws even though he play-fights with other cats, preferring people over other cats (only 2 of our 10 cats do this, even though we had most since they were kittens). He is also the easiest to train cat that I've ever seen. So I was thinking that for this lady it might be a good idea to see if she would like to bottle-raise an abandoned kitten (I'm sure any animal shelter would be glad to help find one in need) while still independent and the cat can be taught some service animal tasks as needed, like speed-dialing emergency services on a phone, picking up small items for her, and she will feel needed by having the cat to take care of. I've only helped one person train a cat as a service cat. He goes everywhere with her in her wheelchair and there are only a few things that a dog can do that he can't. Just a thought.

Birgit

Thanks again, Glen and Birgit!!

And what a great idea about the service animals. Eva is not very fond of dogs, but the service cat idea sounds like just the right thing for her - I will look into that for sure! I didn't even know that service cats existed. Thank you both so much!

Its a quite different situation, but we took care of my sister for a long time, and of course you do it ! But against de thoughts of the doctors she went a lot better then expected, so we started looking for a place where she could live on her own (she is young and its good to develop her own life). Now she is living in a service appartment, where if needed people help her, but most of the time she just manage it herself. Thanks to a lot of help for her service dog. So that was the first thing that I was thinking about to; training service animals is so much fun and such a thankfull job!

Good luck with the whole situation. I'm sure you will manage it.

which reminded me at this picture, a family picture tooken before I left to Sweden
I love it;


My mum, me, my sister. Sjors, a house dog, her service dog and our housecat
All very important for our daily lives.

oh and as you can see, you can always start training your horse for a service horse

What a beautiful family picture. Thanks for sharing.
Romy,
if you want to look into getting an animal that has access in public places I don't know anything about what legal requirements in Germany are. Here in the US there are two categories, service animals are regulated by ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act). Here is a very short summary of the definition: http://www.ada.gov/svcanimb.htm
Then there are animal-assisted-therapy, animal visitation (in nursing homes, hospitals, ) and animal-assisted activities. The best resource on this is the Delta society. There website is: http://www.deltasociety.org/Page.aspx?pid=183
It's been quite a few years since I've been personally involved with their programs and I'm sure they have many more resources than I'm even aware of. In this country some states will give access rights in all public places if people have a written prescription from a physician or therapist for a therapy animal but there is no federal legislation.
The status for service animals in training also differs from state to state but I have not had trouble with access for animals in training as long as they wear a vest that identifies them as such and the animal is under control and wearing a harness and leash.

Oh Romy what a great idea... I work in a nursing home and I have been spening a lot of time thinking about all the issues of taking care of elder people.
I believe that when you two can talk and decide on what she expects and what you expect it will work out, but you have to really talk about it, because in time your relationship will change a lot! If she needs more care you will have to help her wash or get dressed or put her on a toilet and that will change how you two are living together, her privacy will become smaller and so will yours. Just make sure she knows how life will change and that you understand that too!

She could help you write a book on horses who knows, if she can type she can help with that... just write down your ideas, its would be useful
she could take care of a small garden even if it is in pots in your living room, if she would like that of course or indeed go to some clubs where she could make a flower-piece(?) or maybe she likes drawing or would like to write her own book
maybe she just wants to do the dishes or make you some coffee


I think what I want to say is talk to her for hours and hours untill you both know what you are getting yourself into, you will live together and that is not as easy if she has her habits and you have yours...


But it is such a wonderful thing, she could join in at the AND meeting

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Horseriding is an art

My horse is a beautiful living sculpture

I am, as you might guess, following this subject closely. Approaching 75, this June in fact, I have to be realistic and understand that I could succumb to age related or other ailments and become the "frail elderly" I've been putting off with my robust country lifestyle and good diet, exercise, and intense interests to follow up.

Having rejoined the horse world only a couple of years ago and having students and horses to work with again has been a big part of my "recovery," as when I moved here 10 years ago I was just healing from cancer treatment and surgery (fine now, thanks) and was very weak by my standards. Fifteen minutes of wood splitting and I'd have to take a ten minute breather leaning against the woodshed wall.

Now, well, I'm not sure of what my limits are, though this past year I've slowed a little, less hard labor now but longer sustained activity.

What will I do when I slow down?

Well, I figure a few old timers leave by simply stopping in mid stroke, as it were, and the switch just flips off. Sounds good to me. And I've told Kate that if a horse related event, and "accident" should take me she can be sure I went out happy.

I had a little fall of Altea yesterday. Nothings serious at all, and I wasn't even all the way aboard.

Bonnie had to have a joyful crashing event at just the moment I was mounting up. Knocked down on up on the mountain we like to ride up to on the logging roads. A bit of a bump on my butt, and my elbow, but nothing to show off. But of course such things set me to thinking.

I notice though, when there is a close call, it doesn't dampen my enthusiasm. I was back aboard in less than a minute I believe it was.

Not everyone is the same so how one chooses to live the last years is an individual thing. The advice to talk it over early on, before care starts, sounds quite sensible and caring to me.

If I don't go out by way of the switch turning off, or a horse taking me out, and have to live as a frail elderly person I'll probably be a great pain in the neck to any caregiver, beause I most likely will insist on doing all that I can and complaining loudly about it at the same time. Contrary old cuss that I can be at times.

My big worry is that I'll burden and cramp the style of my dear wife. I'd like her end of life years, and many of them, to be filled with fun and joy and more of the exploration that she so enjoys. So I'll probably insist on paid care of some kind. At least part time.

And they damn well better talk over with me beforehand what I want done and not done.

Good thing I'm so sweet tempered. Right?

...
...

Hey, I said "RIGHT!", are you going to answer or NOT?



Donald

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Love is Trust, trust is All
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So say Don, Altea, and Bonnie the Wonder Filly.

Thank you all so much for your support and your great ideas! Here at home there are quite some people who think I am crazy - "You can't throw away your life just because you think you have to save the world!" - so it feels really good to hear some productive things. Of course I also have friends who are wonderfully supportive, but especially in my family it is a hot topic and one of my sisters gets so angry about this that she does not even want to talk to me about the whole thing anymore.



That's so funny, Barbara, I was thinking about just that this evening shortly before reading your post. But I am not sure if this won't be too much for her, going by train takes about ten hours and I haven't driven a car for years, so I don't think that I can still do it... but if that time comes, there will be a solution.

Your book writing idea is a fantastic one by the way, she can really type very well and that would be such a great thing, because she would have a useful and rather interesting task (especially because she loves thinking and talking about animals and ways of interacting with them), we could spend time together and she could feel that she is a great help for me, which would releave her conscience and make it easier for her to accept my help. Oh Barbara, you are a star! Thank you ever so much for this fantastic idea!!

And you are so right about the importance of talking to her and planning how we will do it. We have only started talking about it one week ago and she still is very reluctant, because she says she does not want to exploit me and ruin my life and things like that. She can be a bit dramatic at times. But then I always notice how much she is attracted to the idea of staying with me instead of going to a nursing home (or killing herself when she can't take care of herself anymore, which was the original plan), which becomes ever so obvious when she is argueing in a way that people do when all they want to hear is that you really mean it.

You're right, Donald! You're right! (And glad you bounced right back on Altea...)

Romy -- I am in awe of your openness to invite someone into your life like this. Wow. I'm sorry that there's contention about it in your family and hope, should you and Eva decide to be roomies, that they embrace your pleasure in it.

Barbara, I just wanted to say I thought your post was beautiful!

Best of luck and joy to you and Eva, Romy.


Leigh

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"Ours is the portal of hope. Come as you are." -- Rumi
www.imaginalinstitute.com

Romy, I think what you are thinking about is a huge and compassionate decision. I cared for my parents one after the other with some overlap for 7 years - first part time then full time. It was both the most wonderful experience and at the same time a nightmare. I don't regret it one moment - but it did change my life. And after 10 years I still have not quite recovered.

That said my mother was mentally impaired as well as physically and I think that was the nightmare. If your friend stays strong in mind then it is fairly easy once you both get over the privacy issues as she fails (if that happens). My father was easy.. just increasing weakness from heart failure.

I had to sacrifice my life and work for the last few years but I was ready to do that. If you have better social respite help that is wonderful. I think your intuition will tell you if you are ready. I think you are a very 'together' person Romy and will not make a decision through idealism alone.

blessings be upon you for even thinking about it!!