The Art of Natural Dressage

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 Post subject: Hello :)
PostPosted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 11:37 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:01 am
Posts: 65
Location: Northern California, United States of America
I have been here on and off over the years under the username 'xxSonnyandRedxx'. But, I never really 'stuck around'. I am starting to learn exactly why that was. Over the past couple of days, actually, I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I have learned about God (whom I call Yahweh), myself and what I really want. Well, not so much what I want. I'm learning about dying to self, and really and truly living. I've learnt that the one person who has always stood by me, picked me up when I've fallen and dusted me off is the one I've been treating the worst. The one I have cursed, the one I wished didn't exist. The one I thought was bringing this calamity, these emotional upheavals. This was Yahweh that I hated so much.
I also harbored hate against pretty much everyone. Almost everyone I have ever known has hurt me one way or another, and it's usually deeply. And I have held onto this hate, nurtured it and justified it. And, this in turn pretty much wrecked any relationships in my life, particulary my horse's and I's relationship.

Ah, so NOW we're getting somewhere, you say. Haha, not even close ;)

Ever since we've moved to California life has gotten progressively better. Life was/is normal again. And something starting niggling at the back of my brain. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it wasn't a good feeling. It was, well, it was guilt. I had no clue what I was guilty about! But, over the past couple of weeks (well, more like days) Yahweh (God) has pointed out that I was guilty about how I had treated others and the anger I was feeling. Actually, I was so angry I have health problems now. Then, I found out someone very dear to myself was cutting. Yep, cutting. Scared me to DEATH (I did it once when I hit rock bottom and was suicidal and I had a friend who killed herself by cutting her wrists too deep and not caring that she had done it) and it made me realize how detached I had become. Who was I? What had happened to me? What had happened to that happy, go-lucky girl that used to live in this body? Now I am finding her again. And, I think I have :) Or, at least my horses believe so :D.

I bet y'all are wondering why I am telling you these things, correct? Well, it's to explain why I have been bouncing around. This program scared me. It still does! It required something I didn't have. But, I want to really try to be here for good. I want to have that peaceful feeling with EVERYTHING I do. And, I think that this program, or lifestyle, is the way to go :) When I did do it for a little while I felt so much freer, and so much less angry :) I hope y'all'll except me and all of my issues, again :funny:

_________________
Shalom,
Lauren
www.abeautifulhope.com
'impossible is not a word...it's just a reason for someone not to try'


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 Post subject: Re: Hello :)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 12:16 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:20 am
Posts: 6077
Location: Dresden, Germany
Welcome back again, Lauren! :)

I am glad you are feeling better and I hope we will read a lot about your horses. :f:


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 Post subject: Re: Hello :)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:23 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jan 18, 2009 9:38 pm
Posts: 81
Location: Ontario, Canada
Welcome back!

Thank you for sharing your journey :f: I thank God that He has brought you through your darkest times and that you are heading towards inner healing. I pray that you will continue to feel excited and positive about the future, both with your horse and the people around you.

I have been in and out of this forum as well, because the information can sometimes be overwhelming :ieks: But there is no rush and I am able to take my time picking through the posts.

All the best to you!
Cyndi


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 Post subject: Re: Hello :)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 6:13 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:01 am
Posts: 65
Location: Northern California, United States of America
Thanks y'all :)

_________________
Shalom,
Lauren
www.abeautifulhope.com
'impossible is not a word...it's just a reason for someone not to try'


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 Post subject: Re: Hello :)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 7:29 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:42 am
Posts: 2147
Location: Vienna, Austria
Hi Lauren, welcome back! :f:

_________________
Volker

The horse owes us nothing.


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