I have been here on and off over the years under the username 'xxSonnyandRedxx'. But, I never really 'stuck around'. I am starting to learn exactly why that was. Over the past couple of days, actually, I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I have learned about God (whom I call Yahweh), myself and what I really want. Well, not so much what I want. I'm learning about dying to self, and really and truly living
. I've learnt that the one person who has always stood by me, picked me up when I've fallen and dusted me off is the one I've been treating the worst. The one I have cursed, the one I wished didn't exist. The one I thought was bringing this calamity, these emotional upheavals. This was Yahweh that I hated so much.
I also harbored hate against pretty much everyone. Almost everyone I have ever known has hurt me one way or another, and it's usually deeply. And I have held onto this hate, nurtured it and justified it. And, this in turn pretty much wrecked any relationships in my life, particulary my horse's and I's relationship.
Ah, so NOW we're getting somewhere, you say. Haha, not even close
Ever since we've moved to California life has gotten progressively better. Life was/is normal again. And something starting niggling at the back of my brain. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it wasn't a good feeling. It was, well, it was guilt. I had no clue what I was guilty about! But, over the past couple of weeks (well, more like days) Yahweh (God) has pointed out that I was guilty about how I had treated others and the anger I was feeling. Actually, I was so angry I have health problems now. Then, I found out someone very dear to myself was cutting. Yep, cutting. Scared me to DEATH (I did it once when I hit rock bottom and was suicidal and I had a friend who killed herself by cutting her wrists too deep and not caring that she had done it) and it made me realize how detached I had become. Who was I? What had happened to me? What had happened to that happy, go-lucky girl that used to live in this body? Now I am finding her again. And, I think I have
Or, at least my horses believe so
I bet y'all are wondering why I am telling you these things, correct? Well, it's to explain why I have been bouncing around. This program scared me. It still does! It required something I didn't have. But, I want to really try to be here for good. I want to have that peaceful feeling with EVERYTHING I do. And, I think that this program, or lifestyle, is the way to go
When I did do it for a little while I felt so much freer, and so much less angry
I hope y'all'll except me and all of my issues, again
'impossible is not a word...it's just a reason for someone not to try'